I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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