As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Welp...herpes.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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