just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
