Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is Oprah even human
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize