Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
