Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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