I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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