this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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