remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
