Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
