So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
