It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
