i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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