He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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