I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
