Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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