I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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