You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
