Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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