too bad you live with your parents still
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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