She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
