1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
