Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
