You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
