just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
