Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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