Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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