Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
