my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize