Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a hot homeless man
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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