Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would fuck him just for his dog
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
