mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
