Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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