I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize