My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
