please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
