My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I bet he comes in French.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
