Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
