I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
