Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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