If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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