Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
