I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
