I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
