I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
