I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
