I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
