totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
