two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
