Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
