I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize