If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
In America we eat man semen.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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