I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
