I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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