True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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