I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
