what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
